I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
