Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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