So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
