she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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