I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
