a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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