I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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