I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
