11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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