Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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