I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
