so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
