An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
