Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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