She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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