no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
