:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
