He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
