i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
