Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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