it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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