Banned from zoo.
Again?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
