It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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