Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
