Taylor Swift is so right about you.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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