im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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