I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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