I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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