I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
