i was born a porn star she said
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
