when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
