So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
