I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
