oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
