Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
