Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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