Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
