I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
