when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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