My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They took my balls.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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