Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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