sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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