Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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