I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
