i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
