I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is Oprah even human
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
