Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
