She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
