oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
