Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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