I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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