Banned from zoo.
Again?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
