Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
