New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
