Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
