My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
